and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
