Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
