she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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