Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
