How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the day after is always just damage control
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
