I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
