the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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