Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
did i just pee glitter
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