So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
