my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
