I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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