dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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