it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
