I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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