I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
