Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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