I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
