I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
