I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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