sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
