Plan B is the new Plan A
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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