mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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