yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
