I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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