You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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