I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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