omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
