Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
