i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
