On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
