so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
