saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
