i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
