Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
