we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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