You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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