i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Vodka?
Forever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
