shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
