woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Everclear isn't food dammit
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
