Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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