I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
