with your own penis?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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