the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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