I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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