one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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