I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't deserve a penis
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
