he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
