Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
