she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
