YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
