I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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