You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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